Originally Written March 30, 2020: A Pandemic Journal Entry

I wrote this as a journal entry shortly after the pandemic began. I decided to share it with you as we approach the one year mark. It is my personal thoughts and reflections in that moment in time. 

Even though it was only 19 days ago March 11^th seems like it’s a lifetime ago. It was the day that the WHO declared a world pandemic and you know what, like many at the time it changed nothing about my day. I was at work, we were busy, we talked about it amongst ourselves a bit but otherwise discussed plans for the weekend and the upcoming March Break. The next day they announced that the schools would be closed for an additional 2 weeks after March Break. Makes sense right who knows what all the people travelling could bring back….better safe than sorry. The boys and I went out for dinner that night and it was packed. Life was normal. The following day the news was full of reports of people clearing the shelves of toilet paper and canned goods…hmm maybe I had better not wait to do groceries and at least plan to have a couple weeks worth of food at home. Brad was here for his tattoo and tax appointment, we just kept trucking but there was something a little more to talk about on the news. We got takeout and had a quiet night at home then went to his moms for dinner and cards the next day. When he left on Sunday we said see you soon. When I went to work on Sunday things were a bit uneasier, there was a note that schedules would change, there was nothing on the tables in the dining room so we could keep things extra clean, there were sanitizer stations out and we were reminded to wash our hands even more. It was quiet for a Sunday…..

Monday they announced they would be closing the restaurants for dine in service. I remember sitting there with the other girls looking at each other like what….well a couple weeks off won't be so bad. The kids are home and there is so much to do around the house. I just need to be careful with the food I have and the savings in the bank and I can get through.

I spent the next week on and off doing lots of crying as the reality of the situation sunk in. How the hell am I going to feed this kids? Pay my bills? I had to tell my poor baby as he bounced along on our daily walk that he would not be getting the big birthday present he wanted because mommy no longer had a job. He had already made the choice to have a bigger gift and no party. Now he gets neither but he was just like “its ok I understand”.

I cried and cried for my children who are trying to be brave but are disappointed that they didn’t get to go anywhere for March Break, that they have been stuck at home. Their dad and stepmom and I have been honest with them about what is going on in the world. To some degree they comprehend that something very big is going on but currently they are just enjoying their extra family time. They seem to get that the grownups in their lives are extra stressed out. This has been referred to as going to war and my children are going to be raised through this war. I drove to my parents to get boxes of food off their porch. I couldn’t hug them because I had still been out in public in the last 14 days. They are still taking care of me even though I am a grown up so that I can in turn take care of my own children.

There are people out there doing amazing things right now. Teaching art and music online, organizing virtual concerts, setting up virtual events for kids. There are people who are still going to work to keep the shelves stocked and the population fed. There are nurses and doctors working on the frontlines of this war against a virus and my heart breaks for them and what they must be going through. People I know are being so productive and getting their houses cleaned and projects finished up. I feel like I need to be doing something extra but I am both paralyzed with fear to even leave my house and torn with what is best for my kids. I need to keep them safe. I need to keep them happy and have them come through this with the least amount of trauma possible. My house is not extra clean, I have not gotten to any extra projects, I have spent a lot of time binge watching tv and crying. And that’s ok! Everyone deals with things in their own way and now is the not the time for me to be hard on myself or compare my actions to what others are doing. I have been asked to do my part and stay home and that’s what I am doing. I am doing my part and that’s enough.

 We have done lots of walking and had extra family time. We have played board games and worked on art projects and attempted  a few extra school lessons. But in their down time the kids have created games of their own. They are using their imagination, being kids. They have always been super close with each other but I am so thankful that they have each other to get through this.  I have talked on the phone a ton, something I haven’t done since I was a teenager. Friends have reached out to me and I have reached out to friends.   I had extra time to cook lots (and I have no choice I have to make the food and money last). You know what, I don’t hate it as much as I thought now that life isn’t a constant race against the clock.  I took the time to cut their peanut butter sandwiches into hearts. I hope these are things they take away from this. I guess it won't be remembered by the world but hopefully it is remembered by my kids in their little world.

2 weeks ago today was my last day of work. I am now thankful to be safe at home. I am terrified to go out in the world. Even as my heart breaks for the world there are moments of humanity that warm my soul. I see communities coming together, families coming together. Hopefully this brings the world together and finally makes us take a step back and enjoy the little things that we have all forgotten how to enjoy. Sitting at the dinner table together, reading a book, taking a walk. Maybe its time we all took a step back and looked at how we are living life and what is important.